LO2

I'm a little (correction, a lot) drunk as I write this, so please forgive me if I seem a bit too blunt. In Vino Veritas.

I can't explain how happy I am that it's no longer 2003. I know it's purely symbolic, and nothing really changes with the shift of the calendar, but I'm happy nonetheless.

2003 taught me exactly what ambivalence means. I have never had more conflicting feelings in my entire life, and while I'm still not sure what to do with all of them, I really do pray that I never have another year like this as long as I live. Every good feeling came with a bad one, every resolution came with a caveat. I don't like living my life that way, and that's why I'm going to make some changes.

God as my witness, I never want to set foot in this town again after 2005.

To everyone that gave me support, in one way or another through this year, thank you. I can't thank you enough. I truly can't. Even when you were having a hard time understanding where I was coming from, you still tried to help. Even when your own problems were overwhelming you in ways you couldn't talk to me about, you still gave me time. That means so much, that I can't properly put it into words. For those of you who helped make my life the chore that it has been, to be blunt, you can fucking suck my farts in hell. You've taken things from me that I honestly don't think I'll ever get back. Part of that change is my problem, but so be it. Oddly enough, the most amazing thing about this year is how easily some people fit so easily into both these categories.

For those of you who care, I know that I have not been "right" for awhile. Honestly, I don't know when I will be again. I'm really having a hard time coming to terms with an awful lot of things right now, but please believe me when I say that I'm doing my best. I'm no longer the person I used to be.

If I seem distant from time to time, I'm sorry, but I don't know who to trust anymore.

I'm not telling you everything, but that's probably for the best right now.

Happy New Year. Seriously.

(I am not going to pull this one off, like I did with my first blogs. If I'm making anything resembling a resolution, it's that I'm fucking tired of not speaking my mind. If I say it, it has meaning, at least to me. Fuck the status quo, fuck censoring myself. I'm done with that. That's gone. It no longer works for me. This gives me an outlet I don't have elsewhere, and that's a valid purpose, a valid use.)